Greetings, purveyors of the pathetic and merchants of the mundane. If you are unfamiliar with my splendor, I am a 3,000-year old (much of that time waiting for your Windows operating systems to boot) evil overlord / marketing warrior from a distant vertical. My Wikipedia page is in progress.

Typically I find blogging tedious, but I am underwhelmed by the underperformance of your earth marketing campaigns. I feel I must speak.

After witnessing waves of marketing mediocrity breaking upon beaches of banality,

I offer this counsel: Stop producing marketing that sucks. It leads neither to personal fulfillment nor financial reward. The good news is that you needn’t possess the genius of Marcom to produce effective marketing campaigns.

In fact, four fundamental guidelines can help you avoid the richly deserved ridicule and scorn that certainly accompanies your current marketing campaigns. And crafting more effective marketing can enable you to earn more income to spend on your foolish personal electronics, designer martinis, and overpriced caffeinated beverages. Enough! Let us begin. Take care to avoid:

Boring marketing. Wuh? Marcom must have dozed off for a moment.Molecular biologist Dr. John Medina points out that millions of sensory neurons are firing in your brain right now, each in competition for your attention. This information overload likely includes thousands of clichéd marketing messages.Medina, a suitably bespectacled and rumpled academic and insightful author, offers two important takeaways for marketers. First, your audience it not good at multitasking and processes only one message at a time. Get noticed first, then build relationships and business. Second, people pay more attention to emotionally charged messages. Closely examine your marketing message. Does it speak to the heart and soul, or tax the brain like this long-winded article?

Blunt-instrument marketing: Pioneering merchant John Wanamaker is reputed to have said that half of his marketing budget was wasted – yet he did not know which half. One would think that this supposed genius of retail could at least ballpark it. Today, the Marketing Web, from Websites to blogs, landing pages, social and mobile channels, is infinitely measurable. The process is not so difficult: Identify key outcomes, apply your insight to a decision and take action. Double down on what works and stop doing what doesn’t. As in my case, you may know that you are a brilliant marketer, but you never know how brilliant without solid stats.

Me-too marketing: There’s a disturbing number of marketing “gurus” out there advocating a cut-and-paste road to riches. Formulaic marketing often provides useful shortcuts, but would you rather be one of the herd or one of those purple cows who write wildly original copy on their own blogs? Overuse of the same headline formulas and copy tricks becomes tiresome. World cup marketing success. Demo like Don Draper. Six monster marketing lessons from Lady Gaga. Please. Nothing against La Gaga – Marcom has seen him on “Ellen” and was mildly entertained. But do these lessons relate to real world marketing? Anyone out there successfully moving an enterprise CRM system by writhing half-naked to a radio-friendly dance tune, please leave a comment with a link to your presentation.

One-and-done marketing: Marcom is shocked at how many opportunities are missed by one-touch campaigns. Have you not heard the droll observation that in marketing, marriage is better than a one-night stand? Yet, it is common to find marketers who fire out an offer with a single phone call or email, make a few sales and move on to the next list. Savvy database and direct marketers know that much more profit potential lies in multi-touch campaigns that speak to the questions and concerns that evolve throughout the purchase cycle. Marketing systems that automate manual processes and streamline all phases of the buying cycle are now often reasonably priced and available for businesses of all sizes. Perhaps most importantly, each touch point of a campaign can provide insight for you and value to your audience.